Hello new mother. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Just a few years ago you were…well, we won’t go there. But we want to welcome you to this new place, this cadre of moms. We are everywhere. Driving down the street. Walking to a bus stop. Hanging out at the checkout line at Target. Stopping at Starbucks to get a tall mocha latte {Well, the mothers with older/adult children are lounging at Starbucks. The younger moms are at the park trying to convince their preschooler that eating sand isn’t a good source of fiber.}
You’ve been blessed.
But just because you have been blessed doesn’t mean it will be easy. No sirree. It’s the toughest job I’ve ever had. Some days I’d rather scrub a toilet than take the time to put on the mother hat and calm a tantrum. But I’m going to take a bet and say you’ve had your hard days too.
New mother, your little one is so very fresh. Fresh from the hands of God. I’m sure you’ve read all the books and heard all the advice you can, especially the advice about enjoying it now, because they grow up so very fast. I personally haven’t gotten to that stage of motherhood yet, but sometimes I look at my three year old and can picture him swaddled in a blanket in my mind’s eye.
I could say all of this nice, profound philosophical stuff, but really, truly: having a newborn stinks like a poopy diaper. So it can be hard for a mother to relish every moment.
I’d be lying if I told you that I was full of that “new mom joy” when I had a newborn screaming in my ear for hours.
I could definitely wait to become pregnant again. I looked at other mothers who had two, three, four, five, six, seven…children and thought they were smoking something. Pushing the one baby out took a feat of monumental, non-human strength. And the reward for my effort? Sleepless nights.
I despised the early days. Truly despised them. I wanted to give the Mother Badge back. I didn’t like it when my husband started calling me “Mommy” instead of “Preslaysa.” I told him to stop doing so, but he didn’t want the baby growing up calling me “Preslaysa.” I lost that one. I felt like my life was over: that my identity would forever be lost in being a “mother.”
And I felt guilty about that. Was it a sin to feel this way? Shouldn’t a mother feel joyful and so in love with their new baby right now?
My heart wasn’t so sure.
I can’t sleep because I worry all the time about everything.
-A new mom
Still the guilt plagued me. Did God look down from heaven at me and say: “Preslaysa, I mean, Mommy, is breaking all the Christian Mother Rules. Too bad we can’t take the baby back, give him to another mother. We’ll just have to play this one out and hope for the best.”
But I do remember when I felt the first ember of love toward my son. It was in the middle of the night. Husband was sound asleep after giving him the 2 a.m. feeding, but the baby was screaming.
So, of course, dutiful new mom was up.
I went to his room and picked him up out of the crib. Then he stopped crying {of course}. Then we walked to our tiny kitchen and the moonlight filtered through the half-closed, white blinds and shone on his cherubic face. His liquid brown eyes looked up in awe at the moon.
I looked up in awe at him.
But before that moment, all I can remember was that my house was a wreck. And all I did was change diapers, feed a baby, rock a baby, dress a baby, hope {and pray} a baby would nap. And maybe try to find some inkling of time for me.
I wasn’t in love.
Second time around, things were a little easier {a little}, but they were still hard. Second time around, I worried if both children were treated the same way. I wanted to be the Democratic Mother. Read this post about my struggles to be an equal opportunity mother.
But I can’t live life making sure the scales are always balanced. Love is love. Plain and simple.
I know a lot of moms feel this way. After taking all those childbirth classes and reading all those books, you think you’d be excited about parenthood. When all you’re really trying to do is make it.
We know what that’s like.
The point of this letter is to let you know that I’ve been there. Many women have been there. And that it’ll get better. Much better.
And since you’ve heard a lot of advice already, a little more won’t hurt. A few tips:
*Go to bed. Don’t try to be superwoman. You brought forth a new life. That’s super enough.
*Messy house is fine too.
*If you don’t want to entertain visitors, don’t.
*You may get down. You may get depressed. I suffered from a deep, prolonged depression prior to becoming a mother. After becoming a mom, the stress of a newborn caused me to worry that I’d sink into another depression. That’s a normal feeling. If you feel that way, seek out help. Don’t hide behind a Happy Mother mask.
That’s all. {Giving you a hug now.}
What were the early days like for you? If you are going through those days now, how’s it going?
Lana says
My boys are teenagers now, but I remember the newborn days like it was yesterday! No one told me it would be so hard! Beautiful post you wrote – very honest and heartfelt. By the way, I love your name – so pretty.
Preslaysa says
Thank you, Lana! I appreciate that.
Seana Turner says
To be honest, the early days for me were very hard. I didn’t feel well (had a few lingering medical issues) and my little one didn’t sleep. I mean, really didn’t sleep. Evenings from about 8-11 or 12 was about it, then it was up every hour. She’s almost 21 now, and still is not a very good sleeper! I love that you give new Moms permission to not be 24/7 happy. It is hard when you are tired and trying so hard, and then feeling guilty on top of all of that. Excellent post!
Preslaysa says
Thank you, Seana. Yes, it’s not all roses and berries. I’m learning to be okay with that.
Tess says
I remember those new mom days! Coming from SITS!
Preslaysa says
Thanks for stopping by!
Yulunda G. says
Exactly! Go to bed, the house can be out of order, if you do not desire to entertain, then don’t!
All of the above were challenges for me at one time, but with a 12 and 10 year old, I had no choice but to let some things go or burn all the way out.
To this day, no really today, my husband can sit down stairs for hours and enjoy a nice movie. But me, nope! as I look up and where are the kids, right under me and do not think going in my prayer closet is any different! They come right in their wanting to have devotion too!
This is some wonderful advice for a new mother and existing one like me! And, I love that you shared that one should seek help for any depression, blues or sad feelings, I sure did!
Job well done beautiful Preslaysa!
Preslaysa says
Thank you, Yulunda! We do have to let some things go and take care of ourselves!
Mesina says
It’s so hard for new Mama’s – there is an expectation that we put upon ourselves to be blissfully happy, beautifully presented, knocking off the pregnancy weight, doing everything to save the planet while we raise our babies and somehow just know what we are doing naturally. I wish it was that way! I was very young when I had my first child, I have now been a Mother for 20 years, having now four beautiful little butter beans in that space of time. My youngest is 4. I’m out of the new baby phase, but by baby number 3 I had this new baby thing down. By baby 4 the balance I never knew I had went out the window and we all started winging it. Now I’m a fiery unnatural red head, working from home, raising my babies alone and loving every single second of the smiles and loathing every single second of the fighting they do together! My advice is also look after you too. The family unit depends on the parents being ok – so do that and you can tackle anything 🙂
We’d never change them in a million years, but I tell ya, there are days I trade for a day on the beach instead!
Great blog! Happy SITS day!
Preslaysa says
That’s great advice, Mesina! Thanks for stopping by!